Abbott and Costello 2016
EXT. CAMELBACK RANCH GLENDALE – DAY
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m here in Arizona for the first full squad spring training workout with you. You know Dave Roberts, the new Dodger manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. You’ll have to tell me their names and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like number 14 over there. His name is Enrique, but he goes by the diminutive.
Costello: Oh yes, those Diminutives are very popular these days. The kids, they love those goofy little guys and their silly gibberish language. From what I hear that young man and those Diminutives are both awful fond of bananas too.
Abbott: No, those are the Minions. I said the diminutive. It means the small or short version meant to convey a sense of endearment.
Costello: Oh, sense of endearment or not that’s problematic!
Abbott: Without the accent in the proper place it sure can be.
Costello: What accent? I thought they preferred to be called Little People.
Abbott: Oh for crying out loud, it’s not about his height. It’s a nickname common in his place of origin, an island in the Caribbean.
Costello: I think I get it now. He’s from the Diminutive Republic. There are a lot of guys from there, he must be one hell of a player if he’s the one they call THE Diminutive.
Abbott: I’ll break your arm if you if you say the diminutive one more time. His name is Enrique. He is from Puerto Rico. They call him Kiké.
Costello: Okay, now I think I finally understand. So where do…they-que play-que Enrique Kiké the Puerto Rique?
Abbott: No. No, we’re not going to do the positions now.
Abbott: AND THE SPANISH DIMINUTIVE OF PUERTO RICAN IS PUERTORRIQUEÑO GOD DAMMIT.