It’s Time for Vaudeville Baseball!

Abbott and Costello 2016

EXT. CAMELBACK RANCH GLENDALE – DAY

Abbott: Well Costello, I’m here in Arizona for the first full squad spring training workout with you. You know Dave Roberts, the new Dodger manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. You’ll have to tell me their names and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like number 14 over there. His name is Enrique, but he goes by the diminutive.

Costello: Oh yes, those Diminutives are very popular these days.  The kids, they love those goofy little guys and their silly gibberish language. From what I hear that young man and those Diminutives are both awful fond of bananas too.

Abbott: No, those are the Minions. I said the diminutive. It means the small or short version meant to convey a sense of endearment.

Costello: Oh, sense of endearment or not that’s problematic!

Abbott: Without the accent in the proper place it sure can be.

PAUSE

Costello: What accent? I thought they preferred to be called Little People.

Abbott: Oh for crying out loud, it’s not about his height.  It’s a nickname common in his place of origin, an island in the Caribbean.

Costello: I think I get it now. He’s from the Diminutive Republic.  There are a lot of guys from there, he must be one hell of a player if he’s the one they call THE Diminutive.

Abbott: I’ll break your arm if you if you say the diminutive one more time.  His name is Enrique.  He is from Puerto Rico.  They call him Kiké.

Costello: Okay, now I think I finally understand. So where do…they-que play-que Enrique Kiké the Puerto Rique?

PAUSE

Abbott: No. No, we’re not going to do the positions now.

PAUSE

Abbott: AND THE SPANISH DIMINUTIVE OF PUERTO RICAN IS PUERTORRIQUEÑO GOD DAMMIT.

~FIN~

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