It’s Time for Vaudeville Baseball!

Abbott and Costello 2016


Abbott: Well Costello, I’m here in Arizona for the first full squad spring training workout with you. You know Dave Roberts, the new Dodger manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. You’ll have to tell me their names and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like number 14 over there. His name is Enrique, but he goes by the diminutive.

Costello: Oh yes, those Diminutives are very popular these days.  The kids, they love those goofy little guys and their silly gibberish language. From what I hear that young man and those Diminutives are both awful fond of bananas too.

Abbott: No, those are the Minions. I said the diminutive. It means the small or short version meant to convey a sense of endearment.

Costello: Oh, sense of endearment or not that’s problematic!

Abbott: Without the accent in the proper place it sure can be.


Costello: What accent? I thought they preferred to be called Little People.

Abbott: Oh for crying out loud, it’s not about his height.  It’s a nickname common in his place of origin, an island in the Caribbean.

Costello: I think I get it now. He’s from the Diminutive Republic.  There are a lot of guys from there, he must be one hell of a player if he’s the one they call THE Diminutive.

Abbott: I’ll break your arm if you if you say the diminutive one more time.  His name is Enrique.  He is from Puerto Rico.  They call him Kiké.

Costello: Okay, now I think I finally understand. So where do…they-que play-que Enrique Kiké the Puerto Rique?


Abbott: No. No, we’re not going to do the positions now.




Wild Pitches

At this point in time I feel that it is finally safe to conclude that the launch of Sports Net LA has been a disappointment. Time Warner Cable paid a record price for the rights to carry and distribute the all-Dodger channel, but it would seem that other carriers cannot justify paying their asking price for a channel built around a single “show” (live Dodger games) and little else of any interest to a broad audience. Dedicated postgame coverage and repeats of old games are obviously not being recognized in this marketplace as compelling content. What I would like to propose is that SNLA expand their lineup to include additional original scripted and unscripted programming to appeal to a wider subscriber base. This tactic has seemingly done wonders for Netflix, Hulu and Amazon (all of whom offer no live sports programming to compliment these shows and charge more than the reported $5 per month that TWC is asking from DirecTV and other cable/satellite providers). I have taken the liberty of developing several pilot pitches (as with all of my puns this one was of course intended):

Throughout his tenure as Dodger General Manager Ned Colletti was mercilessly bullied, mocked and harassed online. After accepting a promotion to Senior Advisor Ned now has the last laugh and time to pursue other interests…such as vengeance. In this brazen, unscripted hidden camera series follow Ned Colletti as he confronts strangers at their places of business and gives them frank, no holds barred assessments of how they’re doing their jobs. The tables have turned, how does it feel now that you’re on THE HOT SEAT?

As a former player and current manager Don Mattingly knows a thing or two about performing under pressure and intense scrutiny. Larry King has been married 18 times. Together they have the experience to answer even your most sensitive sex and relationship questions. They’re live in studio and operators are standing by. For a good time call 1-900- THE HOT SEAT.

To Bea or not to Bea? That is the question that is asked on this exciting new reality competition series where legendary Dodger Stadium organist Nancy Bea searches for the next generation of stadium organist. Will you make Nancy beam or will you get Nancy beat? If you can’t take the Nancy heat, get out of THE HOT SEAT.

She’s a little bit stat geek. He’s a little bit old school troll. In this hilarious new comedy love conquers ball when baseball’s first female general manager also happens to be her manager’s second wife. They say “OPS splits” attract, but whether at home or at the stadium someone is always going to be on THE HOT SEAT.

Before the days of StubHub the secondary ticket market was like the Wild West. In this 1990s set coming of age dramedy we meet Erica Bay, a typical teen trying to juggle school, experiencing all of the things that in 25 years only 90s kids will remember, work as a stadium usher and a secret double life as an underground ticket broker/scalper/thief/counterfeiting kingpin. Show her your ticket stub and she’ll show you to THE HOT SEAT.

Detective Richard Ecktive thought he was getting too old for this shit…literally. Just days before settling into a quiet retirement this Private Dick got the one call that could thrust him back into everyone’s business: Deuces Wild, a powerful new performance enhancing drug, is threatening the sanctity of baseball. Detectable only in feces Dueces Wild is like nothing the sports world has ever seen. Now, backed by the expressed written consent of the office of the commissioner of baseball and the Joint Drug Agreement Det. Ecktive and the elite sample collectors of the Fecal Activity Recovery Team must get to the bottom of this mess in this thrilling new crime procedural drama and discover the dirty little secrets that lurk beneath…
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To any Time Warner Cable Executives who may be reading this: it is now you who are on the proverbial hot seat.

My Playoff Predictions



All season long you have counted on me to provide you with baseball insight and musings and I have let you down. The playoffs will offer more of the same sense of disappointment you have come to expect!

I decided to wait until the Wild Card games were complete before trying to predict the outcome of the rest postseason because of the one and done nature of the Wild Card round. I didn’t want to be proven wrong immediately. Now that we know that the Royals and Giants will be advancing to the Division Series I am ready to prognosticate:

I have crunched the number. 2014 is the only one that matters. Being an even-numbered year I have long feared the return of GIANTS DEVIL MAGIC. Their blowout victory over the Pirates is only just the beginning of a new era of NIGHTMARE BASEBALL. The wheels of fate have been set in motion and now we must accept our collective destiny: endless suffering and eternal damnation.


The Dodgers advance in dramatic fashion when the entire St. Louis roster and fan base are raptured.


The first playoff series in the history of the storied Dodgers-Giants rivalry does not disappoint.  In a thriller that goes right down to the wire the Giants become the first team to ever win all seven games in a best-of-seven series.


In a rematch of the 2002 World Series, San Francisco faces Los Angeles of Anaheim. In a Fall Classic for the ages the Giants literally ride the Angels through the gates of Hell and into the warm embrace of Satan. The ensuing celebration destroys most of civilization. Those who survive are forced to watch the victors defile the spirits of their ancestors and tie little orange and black bandanas on all of their dead pets.

Now that we are all prepared for the worst let’s try to relax a little bit and just have some fun out there.

My body is ready.